Cup of Joe Show - Joseph Birdsong

The gayest of them all

Just when you thought my blog couldn't get any gayer, here I come with a full-fledged skin care post. A few people were asking me to show what products I use since briefly showing a few items in my video last week, so I figured I'd just make a post. Warning: This is a long-ass post, but I tried to spice it up with some humor. You probably still don't care. That's fine. I barely care at this point.

I'd also like to preface this by saying that I'm not sponsored by any company mentioned in this post. You guys should know by now that no well-run company wants anything to do with a drunk, gay kid in Arkansas. However, in the instance that one day someone does sponsor me (a wine company, please?) I'll obviously be totes upfront with you guys and gals about it. You can also be assured that I'd never try to sell you something that I didn't use myself or wasn't relevant to what I do. I'm not gonna make a video with some lame-ass magnetic balls just because a company offers to send me some. Moving on...

Still super gay

As a secondary preface, I'd like to say that my skin is nowhere near being super great or perfect. It's easy to look passably decent in a video with the right camera and lighting. I mean, wrinkle-wise my skin is fucking fabulous. But I still gets zits here or there and am really prone to razor burn and irritation. Along those same lines, I'd like to respond to the people being like, "Omg, you know you can start skin care too early and your face is going to fall off and using all those products is gonna clog your pores and that cannot be good for youuuuu." First of all, any reputable dermatologist will tell you that prevention is a million times better than trying to fix something (like wrinkles) after it happens. It's better to start young, and all that hooey stating otherwise is, well, hooey. (Not to mention I'm 24. I'm not quite a teenager anymore.) Second, all the products I use are non-comedogenic, meaning they don't clog pores. And third, all the products I use are extremely healthy for your skin when used correctly and do wonderful things like promote skin cell regeneration and collagen production. My regimen is actually fairly simple and mild.

Oh, and also I'm not a dermatologist or a professional or etc. I'm just a drunk, gay kid in Arkansas, so you should consult a dermatologist before listening to my crap. It's taken me years of personal research and trial and error to find the products that work best for me, but that doesn't necessarily mean they'll work for you. A dude's skin is different than a gal's, and all I'm doing here is presenting what I use. Don't burn your face off. Now you can't hold me legally accountable when you turn out looking like Lindsay Lohan.

OKAY NOW FINALLY THE REGIMEN. Complete with photos! Because, I mean, what else am I doing with my life? Oh, and each item links to Amazon or Dermstore, typically (although I also recommend searching around for better deals, but that's mentioned at the end of this. I was really just trying to get them to all link somewhere).

Nighttime routine, homies

I guess we'll start with my nightly plan of action. I keep it pretty simple. I wash my face with Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser. Quite frankly the stuff looks like semen. Like, straight-up sperm. I'm just gonna be honest here. It feels nice and slippery on your skin, though, unlike the stickiness of, um, semen on the face. So to avoid getting too sexual here, I'll just say it's nice and gets the cleansing job done. Surely you know how to wash your face.

After that, I apply Alpha Hydrox brand Enhanced Cream (10% Glycolic AHA). This is really my main wrinkle-defense and exfoliation product, but it also seems to keep my skin relatively clear (as many acne products also have alpha hydroxy acids) and toned. You can read more about AHAs on this Wikipedia page here. I will say that this stuff burns occasionally for about two seconds when you put it on. But that's normal and the directions say that might happen. Otherwise, I've found absolutely zero indication that it irritates my skin. Plus, I love the way it feels on my skin, and it seems to absorb quite well.

Instead of an AHA cream, I use to use a cream with retinol. In the past, I've used both Green Cream and Boots No7 Protect & Perfect Intense Beauty Serum (the one in the tube, although this links to the one in the awful container). I love the long-term benefits of using a retinol cream regularly, but retinol just doesn't suite my skin type as well as the AHA cream seems to. I also noticed a decrease in breakouts when I switched to Alpha Hydrox.

After applying the AHA cream, lately I've been using Olay Total Effects Night Firming Cream. I honestly don't really think it does much, but it adds a nice bit of moisture to the mix. My mom actually gave me the tub of it I have now after she decided she didn't like it. I probably won't purchase it myself when this tub is used up. However, currently I just wait about five minutes and then apply it on top of the AHA cream.

And that's my nighttime routine! See? Not even bad. Just like two products when you take away the Olay stuff. My daytime routine is a little more complicated...

There is so much manliness going
on in this photo

The daytime routine starts after my shower. That's when your pores are most opened up. It also makes shaving easier for men because the follicles are opened up, as well. Quite frankly, I find shaving to be a motherfucking pain in the ass. I was cursed with dark, curly hair and sensitive skin. Any sort of close shave leaves me with tons of irritation. Luckily, my hair isn't quite as thick as it should be due to a few laser hair removal treatments I had when I was younger (and still wouldn't really recommend. MY GOD THE PAIN). I shave with a DE razor (which means "double edge"). This is probably the type of razor your grandfather used, but it's super gentle on your skin once you learn how to use it properly. Go look up some tutorials if you're thinking about making the switch and just know your face will probably look like a fucking crime scene for about the first week. But, hey, it's all uphill and rainbows and shit after that.

Anyway, yes, I use a DE razor as well as a small electric razor (not pictured) to get any rougher patches. For shaving cream, I just use Barbasol. Any kind. The blue kind is pictured here. I've tried the fancy soaps and lotions and they all just seem like a big waste of money so yeah, Barbasol. Because I'm such a manly man. *grunts*

After my face is all nice and shaven, I use the Yes to Cucumbers Calming Facial Mask, which helps cancel out any manliness retained from the Barbasol and keeps my gay-levels at maximum. This also helps calm down my uber-sensitive skin after being ravaged by shaving. I apply it extremely lightly (and usually only on the lower half of my face and my neck) and leave it on for about 5-10 minutes before washing it off.

Various daytime products

Next, I do a moisturizing treatment to further restore my face after shaving. (Some days I even skip this step if I don't have time or am feeling especially lazy, but I usually try to implement it.) For this, I just use any ol' generic aloe vera gel (but the purer, the better) and any ol' cheap-y facial moisturizer that I can buy in bulk. This stuff isn't going to be left on my face for too long or absorbed into my skin, so there's no point in getting all fancy-assed and blowing your money. Currently I'm using the Walgreen's brand of each. I usually do 1-2 pumps of each in my hand, mix the products together, and massage is all over my face and neck without rubbing it completely in. And then I sit or straighten my hair or finish getting ready for play some fucking video games. Idc wtf you do. The amount of time I have in my day generally controls how long I leave it on, but it's usually anywhere from 5-20 minutes. I wash the moisturizing mask off with the same Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser that I use at night. At this point, my skin is lookin' oh-so-fresh-'n'-sexy.

The rest of the daytime products

Now, I've talked about my sensitive skin quite a bit in this entry, and I typically always end up with razor burn of some sort. I mean, I could shave with a fucking spoon and still get razor burn. And there's only one product I've found that has really helped my shave. It's called Tend Skin, and I use the liquid form. It's for both men and woman and helps with "unsightly razor bumps, ingrown hairs, and razor burn." I squeeze out the tiniest bit onto a cotton ball and apply it to the bottom half of my face and to my neck. And then SWEET BABY JESUS IT BURNS LIKE THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL ON EARTH FROM WHICH THERE IS NO RETURN. The stuff has alcohol in it, which I don't really care for (in my face products, at least), but it just works so motherfucking well that I just can't be fucked. The burning only lasts for about 5 seconds. And it makes me feel like a man.

After tending to that, I wait about 5-10 minutes and apply some Aveeno Positively Radiant Daily Moisturizer with SPF 30 and MOTHERFUCKING SOY (the untinted version). No, but seriously this moisturizer is da shit. It's got great sun protection without smelling all sunscreen-y, and it adds a nice little glow to your skin. For years and years and years I used a Neutrogena facial moisturizer with a high SPF, and within a few weeks of switching to Aveeno, my skin cleared up a lot. I'm attributing this to the soy. I dunno why. I just like the idea of soy on my face.

And that's my daytime routine! I know it looks lengthy and complicated when it's all written out, but it's relatively simple and keeps my sensitive skin poppin' fresh, ya know?

What I use to burn my skin off

Now, in addition to this regimen, there's another product I mentioned in my video that I only use every 2-4 weeks (generally every 4). It's a glycolic/lactic acid 60% peel by Skin Laboratory. This shit is serious business. Contrary to popular belief, a peel doesn't actually make your skin peel. It just does some heavy-duty exfoliating-type stuff and can insanely rejuvenate and refresh your skin. I chose the one with both glycolic and lactic acids because I enjoy the tone and texture benefits of lactic acid and the collagen-stimulating results you get from glycolic acid.

This stuff is not as strong as the stuff you'll find at a dermatologist's office, but it's pretty damn strong. I apply it sparingly with a cotton ball, wait only 1-4 minutes (as per the instructions), and then wash my face like Jesus is coming back and I'm a whore covered in semen. Seriously though, follow the directions if you use this stuff. And start out with a lower concentration and work your way up. It definitely can burn while on your skin, but the burning makes me feel glamorous in a weird way. On nights when I use this, I don't use any AHA cream, but I do load up on moisturizer. I also only use this when I don't have to shave the next day, because the skin will need time to heal. But after that, I usually look like a fetus. Literally you could wrap me in some swaddling clothes and plop me in a manger and Mary would be like, "Oh my sweet baby Jesus is that you?"

FINALLY, I should probably tell you where I purchase my stuff. I generally just get everything at Wal-Mart or order off Amazon.com with gift cards. I do get several items from Dermstore.com because they have free shipping and usually send you lovely little samples of lovely little things. (You can also search for coupon codes for Dermstore and occasionally find a few. Oh, and if you add a product to your "favorites" list on the site, I believe you get a discount, too.) None of this stuff is expensive, though, and the stuff that might be a little pricier will last you ages.

I swear I'll write something more interesting soon. Maybe something spicy and sexual. Because playing video games all day can be soooo spicy and sexual. No, but seriously, I have a date-type thing tonight so... *goes to put on moisturizing mask*

Credit to whattheeffingcrap on tumblr for making this gif!

This is a pretty gratuitous photo from
my instagram. And it was before I
lightened my eyebrows. Yikes.

Well, the process of going blonde is progressing well. Since I last wrote, I did the first bleaching. Now it's time to wait a week or so until the next bleaching, and then a day or two after that to do the toning that will make me oh so gorgeously blonde. Who knew going blonde would be such a chore? Everyone except me, probably.

Until the process is complete, though, I'm a bit of a macaroni-and-cheese-head. I've been spending my days deep conditioning and my nights with my head wrapped in Saran Wrap and covered in protein treatments. It's not very comfortable, but when I do something, I do it right, and I don't intend to come out of this as a fried-up trailer park blonde. So far, so good.

The playlist. Click
to enlarge (giggity)

Actually, so far I'm really, really pleased with how it looks, even though there are still a few stages to go. I can't say yet if blondes have more fun (although I did start playing Kirby on NES this week. That's been fun), but I feel like the change is helping bring me out of a rut I've been in. It's weird, but I feel refreshed and sort of new. Like Madonna with each new album, perhaps. Or maybe like Joan Rivers after each new facelift. It's like this new appearance and the move to the new house/city have given me a chance to take on a new identity.

I made a playlist yesterday (which I shared with you guys on Twitter) and did a trying-on-clothes montage with everything in my closet. School was so shitty this semester that I fell into a pattern of rotating through the same comfortable/favorite outfits week after week after week. I'd forgotten about all my other clothes. And suddenly I want to wear green! Green all the time! I never wear green!

Found these purple jeans with
1s bedazzled on the butt for
"DK1." WHY DON'T I
WEAR THESE?

"Whoa there, Joe," you say, "don't get too wild."

I know, I know, my life is just so crazy. Next thing you know, I'll be eating Cheese Nips instead of Cheez-Its (blasphemy!) and wanting to be Luigi over Mario in Super Smash Bros. (He is wearing green, after all).

You guys still probably won't be getting any photos without the cap until the process is over and I'm not a macaroni head. And then who knows, maybe I'll hate being totally blonde and go all Britney again. But fingers crossed that it goes well.

Also, Sam (who produced "Hot & Cold" and most of Young & Free, Pt. 1) produced a cover of the Jem and the Holograms theme song and I sang over it. Jem is a really cool/cheesy cartoon from the 80s and some of my e-friends and I fell in love with the theme song a while ago just because it's so ridiculous (Truly, truly, truly outrageous, you might even say). I'll embed the opening sequence below. I highly recommend it. You can also listen to the electro-awesome cover Sam and I did anddddd download it for free if you so choose!